ok...so here i am...again...finally blogging after 3 long mths...i had already initially typed a bloody long post but it seems it has disappeared...urgh! FUGG! i can dare say im so damned bloody pissed...yes...bcos of the disappearance...no one has visited or tagged my blogg so far for the past while...i so am considering whether or not to terminate this page full of wrds...argh...anw...i got it past my N's...did exceptionally well i think...but whats the big fat deal? its only to make it thru to the O's what...
i am going to die along the way...without help from anyone...i'll never survive on hope alone...why wld i? its just a spastic psychological thought for madd ppl...like whatever...i can assure you im gonna breakdown many many times this yr...lots of humps are coming my way...
lately there has been so many things happening to me...and i dont really know how to handle all of it...sometimes it just comes one bunch of crap at a go that i dont know what to do...i can foresee a whole bundle of shit coming my way...and i dont really think im gonna be able to take it too well...just this year alone...ive broken down so many times...not just bcos of studies but bcos of so many other matters that i just cant leave behind...i til now i still keep looking back on the past...and i just cant seem to get things straight and out of that bloody pea brain of mine...such a moronic sucker...i hate this life ok? yes...i hate almost anything and perfectly everything possible to be hated...to think i still cannot accept and overlook the fact that my family broke up...though it was quite a number of donkey years ago...it just keeps coming back to me...haunting me...every fortnightly...i get flashbacks while trying to get to sleep...laying down silently alone on my bed...staring up at the ceiling...funny isnt it...how we can rmbr all the sad things that happened to us...yet often fail to rmbr the good times...hah...what a joker... the past few days hasnt been great for me...nope...not at all...i've thought abt the past and so many other things...things that i have gone through...and things that im afraid i might not be able to make through...i'm so scared...sometimes i just wonder why me...the past few days...the only way i cld get to slp was to cry..i've been crying myself to slp...yes...think and say whatever u wanna...dont give a shit....thinking abt so many things always makes me scared...so i just breakdown...nobody will give a damn anw...so like wth...
oh God...fuck...will you just get me through thiss??????i feel so alone in this god damn world...so alone...
i cant even turn to my family members...i dont even know them...neither am i a shit bit close to them...not even my sisterS! what has life come to be for me? i think i'll just be so much better off in an orphanage...god...why me why me...yes...bloody hell why me?isnt it scary to know that ure all alone?im struggling all alone to try and get past these obstacles...i wish someone cared... anw...things elsewhere other than home and school isnt really wrking out well enuf for me to be happy...ppl have made false promises...since issues like these happened...everything has changed for me...my intentions are different now... on the other hand...some other arrogant ignorant fucking scumbags have been intimidating me so bad that it just gets so hard for me to not show it...sometimes i cant really keep those tears from flowing out...they promised to be boosting my self esteem...but it seems to be so unlikely to ever happen...in fact...its been lowered quite a bit already...
ok then...all you bastards out there...since u all love to climb over me...just cos u all are so much older...its fine...FINE...ok?...you can all just remain being the ppl u all love to be...the assholes of the world...BE THAT WAY! i'm just so tired of having to put up with such fuckers...its ok...some day...u will understand... im still searching...im still longing for you...oh god...im such a loner...fuck...get me through this will you?!
*its ok to get ANGRY and NEVER LET GO...it only gets HARDER the more that you know...wasting my life here with no one around...you know you will catch me when im falling down...maybe SOMEDAY i will see you again...when you look me in my eyes and call me your FRIEND...*
